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='s Journal  my head on your shoulder, hair blowing in the wind doing 80 down the highway at 3 in the morning. the only thing running through my head is " is this real?" ive never been treated so well in the past 2 days by a guy i often wonder when its going to stop.. im starting to realize what life is like, ive tried so hard to understand what the point is and now i finally realize what i gotta do to survive. who are my true friends? i know of one.... and friday i was there for her, i needed her too but im sure she didnt know, like old times when we were unseperable.... i just gotta get through next year, work constantly make money for college and put my heart and soul into my car, then happiness will follow....... so i feel like im walking alone. never been this alone in, i believe, ever. not a friend to laugh with or tell old stories, she says she doesnt know if its worth it to even try to save our friendship. i dont know what i did wrong. the others follow and ignore that im even here. the movies in which a person dies and continues to live but doesnt realize that they are dead, its like that, i keep living but its like im not there anymore..... i walk alone down the hallways, i stare at the ground in fear of any kind of eye contact, i dont want anyone to see the tears that drop from these eyes. i get no sleep at night, i lay awake,eyes wide open. its like a dream world. emotionless. hes the only thing keeping me up from falling down. so far down. no one understands me or my past, my only friend- glass bottle filled with happiness. drink it down drink it down. i quit i swear... pass the bowl, lets get some rest from this hell. inhale- exhale. what the fuck am i doing here? why am i still here? take away this pain and this loneliness, i work because theres nothing else to do... no one calls,i stay home, attempt to sleep. fuck this im leaving.......... ya so i definatly dont know how i feel right now. im trying to be more perfect for him - i lasted for a couple meals but i gave into the hunger for dinner and ate 1/2 loaf of bread from work. so there is this guy that i care for alot..... its the same for him. but the comments and remarks tare me apart. age doesnt matter to me. i dont care if you like someone and they like you back, it shouldnt matter the age you are. i just want to scream at the top of my lungs to shut up to all the people who dont know whats going on between the 2 of us. people tell him that "shes too young" "jail bait" yea fuck that. leave me alone. i just want to be alone with him. he understands me. im convincing myself that i dont care at all but it hurts when you are torn inside. i want to be perfect../... for him i do. i really do. Current mood:  discontent.
signing up for the ACT's, thinking about college- i cant wait to get the fuck out of here. No one is really REAL. i hate it here. theres nothing holding me in place. i feel like if i stay here anymore im going to kill myself ITS FUCKING FUNNY THAT I DIDNT EVEN GET A FUCKING CARD FROM MY BEST FRIEND FOR MY BIRTHDAY. im burned out. nothing left. im wasting away... im sobering up...pain sinking in. all alone again im coming down... sobering up.. i hate the feeling of being able to feel. what i have is never enough. reaching for the bottle again. empty as my soul...... spending these days so alone. wearing a mask everywhere. i am no one underneath. i gotta get out of here. im so ashamed of who i am.... cant look in the mirror. im nothing special. perhaps ill run away, be out in the cold.... nothing to worry about. numb the pain that tares at my heart...... this ciggarette isnt enough to keep me going........ IM ScReAmIng on the inside yet i sit in silence. wont someone please stop this heart from bleeding. its too much again but this time its different. im alone. completely alone. but not quite... ive got my drink in hand and now im on my way. stumble and stutter, phone never rings. im so sick of kissing the floor. wondering if im going to make it to see another day. visions blurred and music blaring. no one home. ALL ALONE. take another sip, it'll be okay. Friends who say they are there but really arent, guys who tell you that they'll never let you go - but once they get laid, they are gone again, parents who are always ashamed of who i am, my mind running away yet im stuck in the same cold room, same torn up chair, same bottle in hand. im alone again.... i feel so mad, so used, so torn inside. i wish i was brave. then i could fight through this but these lips are covered with duct tape when im ready to stand up for myself. given the drug again to lose all state of mind. back to the begining again. take another sip and more emotions will pour out. 1/4 gone...im on my way. think of all the people ive hurt. take another sip. listening to "our song" and how you used me. take another sip. the taste sends chills down my arms, same arms with the scars from last year. flashback comes to mind. weak girl sitting in her livingroom, music cranked, never hearing the sound of the front door swing open, friends to the rescue, clean up the blood, and get back to your life. ill be okay. tear runs down my cheek, take another sip. i need a cigg.... i need security. no standards to meet up to. the cloudy sky is clearing up or maybe its just a mist that covers the grey- turns it to white. ive got an idea.... LETS TAKE ANOTHER SIP. 1/2 gone now and the pain is dulling more and more.... sip after sip now its gone. throw the bottle- watch it shatter like my dreams....................... last night i lost it. i hate losing people. i wanted to say thank you for holding me close, and the fact that you didnt let go.funny how we are so the same but yet we are far from eachother. my mom warns me- both sides of the family has alcoholism in it. i dont fucking care. its like a pillow for this headache. pass the painkiller to stop these tears. she also opened my eyes to the fact that i take no part in my sisters life. "when was the last time you acually asked her what she did that day" god i cant remember. poor girl has a fucked up sister. just cant wait till she gets older and tells her problems to her friends.... "ya when i was little, my father secretly never cared, brother left before i knew him, mother always screamed, and my sister drank to escape, its like i was all alone, only friends to help ME escape...." gheeee, i wonder where shes off to now.... a friends..... but anyways....... im going to go smooke a cigg. Another fight, tears are streaming MuSic BLARING.... he walks out the door Im screaming------ IF YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR IM NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN, DONT PULL THIS SHIT! he slips out the wooded frame LOSING my breathe i dial the 7 digits and gasp for air ------- HE LEFT, ITS ONE THIRTY IN THE MORNING AND HES GOING HOME----- "he'll be fine......----YOU DONT FUCKING CARE DO YOU? click. im protecting her eyes from what i see. my brother did it to me but now that hes gone im not so blind as to the hell they put us through but she still has her innocence and in her eyes daddy is her hero...... hopefully it will be a while till her eyes are opened as well.... Current music: broken home- papa roach. Best friends can be so cruel. she knows me better than anyone i know and i have been friends with her since the begining. But she also knows exactly where to strike- so it hits me the hardest. repeating words, take a deep breathe- the air is thick and hard to breath in...... intoxicating really. but i dont need to be, i keep slippin farther, ive never had a voice to protest just staring blankly Dont bother anymore with my "shit" im nothing to you anyways. no emotions- a Zombie hides my face. for weeks on end ive wondered what i did worng, its like im falling from a moutain top- my heart keeps pounding and it wont stop. trying to survive trying to leave it all behind but ive been spinning in circles and it only brings me to the place where i first started. no new day only my hell that drags on through the night into the next sunrise Music is my only escape but i sit and visions come to mind. sometimes they scare me but now without emotion.....i just wish that i didnt feel like theres something i missed. i would give it all away- just to have a place to run to, someone to come home to. HOME- what is the definition of a home? what about that song that repeats on the stereo- no one is home and it blares until my eardrums burst.... BRoKen HoME...... And as for now....... im going to sit alone listening to the saddest songs wondering what i did wrong, i got what i deserve?! i miss the nights when it was the five of us, mother was in the kitchen with her baby making dinner, while her son and daughter play games in the living room. father was around too..... too bad i was so blind to the truth back then. im kinda glad i was because all the memories i have could be fake but they were real in my mind. REaL..... real....... what WE had was real..... every moment we spent together was real. laying in your room 4am with absolutely nothing on our minds, you saw my every flaw but accepted me for i was. what we had was so true. and i hope that one day i am able to find this reality again. But its back to work, my emotions hidden and the fake smiles are pulled out and i dull everything so i can get what i need done, then back to my room where these thoughts and emotions overpower me...................................... |
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